Bag

‘I’d like to report a missing bag please.’

            ‘O.K then, let me just get a pen and paper. O.K, right Madam, can you tell me what colour it was?’

            ‘Gold.’

            ‘Gold Jag you say. Classy.’

            ‘Bag I said. I said bag.’

            ‘Bag?’

            ‘Yes bag. B…A…G.’

            ‘Oh bag.’

            ‘Yes. Bag. That’s what I said. My bag is missing. I have a missing bag.’

            ‘Sorry, I thought you said Jag, like the car.’

            ‘I know, I know. Look, I’m running a little late, can we get on with this.’

            ‘O.K then, so, what colour was your bag.’

            ‘Gold. I told you already. It’s a gold bag.’

            ‘Gold, oh yes, right. Let me just note that down, G…O…L…D bag. Can I ask where you last saw the bag?’

            ‘On the number 2 bus. It was stolen.’

            ‘Fine, that’s absolutely fine. But can you tell me where exactly in Poland?’

            ‘You must be joking.’

            ‘I assure you Madam, this is quite a serious matter. Krakow or Warsaw?’

            ‘Neither.’

            ‘Where was it stolen then?’

            ‘The number 2 bus.’

            ‘Well you should have just said that. There’s no need to get snappy. O.K, let me just note that down then, right. Now, what was in the bag, and what exactly were the circumstances of it being stolen? Tell me everything.’

            ‘Well, I was on my way to buy some buttons in Clark’s, on Fir Street. I sat down beside a tall woman at the back of the number 2 bus. She got off four stops before me on North St. When I went to get off, my bag was gone. The bag contained all my money, my cigs, my notebook and my car keys.’

            ‘So, let me get this straight. You were on your way to buy some fur in Button’s, on Clark Street. You were standing up beside a short man at the front of the number 2 bus. He got off on Forth Street while you went south for a few more stops. When you got off you realised that you’d left your bag on the bus. Your bag contained all your honey, your wigs, your coat hook and your barbies. Correct?’

            ‘Are you thick or something?’

            ‘I have been feeling a little under the weather lately, yes – how kind of you to notice.’

            ‘Look, just leave it.’

            ‘Hang on a second.’

            ‘…’

            ‘My colleague has just informed me that somebody dropped in a bag earlier today containing, remarkably, two jars of honey, six blonde wigs, a coat hook and three barbies. But it was a green bag. Are you absolutely sure that your bag wasn’t green Madam?’

            ‘Let me take a look at it.’

            ‘Here it is.’

            ‘Yes, that’s my bag. That’s definitely my bag. Case closed. Look, I’ve really got to run.’

            ‘Glad to be of service Madam. And if your Jag turns up we’ll be in touch. I’ll get on to the Polish Embassy first thing tomorrow morning.’